Be Ye Not So Stupid!

I suggest never making a hair appointment for 9:00 AM on a Saturday if you are not usually up and about at that time on that particular day.

Outside of spending a ridiculous amount of money on highlights that are barely noticeable to the naked eye (noone has even noticed), I did something totally stupid. After getting to the salon, I noticed a sign which said “Cash only gratuity”. Groggily and with coffee in tow, I made it to a Huntington Bank down the street *complaining in my head about how they should tell people ahead of time*. I took money out and made my way back to the salon with visions of highlights dancing in my head. I got the foil, the hair wash, the tint, another hair wash, a blow drying, and then it was time to pay up and leave feeling like a million dollars. Or so I thought. Now I know I could have bought about 8 boxes of Nice N’ Easy (for the price I was paying) and done it myself, but something about the blotches of dark spots around the nape of my neck and ears never leaves me feeling like a million dollars. Then there is the smell….the one that lasts a couple days. You know what I’m talking about ladies. At least the salon uses expensive shampoo and conditioner that ALWAYS smells good despite what was done to the hair. It’s quite possible that even a fresh perm would smell good straight out of the salon. I wouldn’t know of course because I was given my last perm in 8th grade by an aunt (like the other two times before that). Not only did my head smell like a skunk, but my clothes too. Unless it was the perm smell stained in my olfactory.

So we all need to splurge on ourselves at a salon sometimes. Even if the result is barely even noticeable. Just remember, never use the word “subtle” to describe what you want.

So I went to pay and for the life of me could not figure out where my ATM/VISA check card was. Talking to myself out loud I said “Where in the world….don’t even tell me! Ohh no. This is not happening. Umm,….okay, I think I left my card in the ATM machine.” The woman looked at me like I was a con artist or perhaps it was the look of disbelief that someone could be so stupid. She recommended we call the bank. They politely informed the scheduler that I couldn’t get the card back despite the fact that it just happened two hours prior and I had ID. Personally, I think they just held onto my card so they could put it in their break room with the words “Be ye not so stupid” titled above. Perhaps they will even include the ATM video footage, laughing at the part where I reach only for my receipt. Ahhh…good times in the break room.

So Jeff had to come up and rescue me. I just sat there a nervous wreck until he got there. All I could think about was what if someone by chance grabbed it before it got sucked back in the machine and they are buying tons of gas (the premium kind). To appease my mind I went straight to my bank, checked my account (whew…no shopping sprees at the local gas station), and ordered a new card.

Just a reminder…..never use the word “subtle” and never use your ATM card at 9:00 AM on a Saturday. Be Ye Not So Stupid!

The dreaded question no unpregged woman wants

You know it’s time to get back to the gym when your own mother asks;

“Sarah, are you pregnant?!”

“Embarrasingly, no mother!” *sucks in belly* “I wish I were because then at least I’d have an excuse.”

The saddest part is Jeff asked me the same thing recently and he was totally serious. I was so MAD! More at myself for not excercising anymore.

Unless I AM by some slim chance, which would therefore mean I could end up like one of those women who gives birth at a Walmart with people all around me while Walmart employees use white “roll em’ back” towels that just happen to be on sale for 99 cents.

Let me reassure you though….it is totally fat. *I never thought that could be a good thing…but it is. I’m so not ready for a baby as much as I like them*

UPDATE: Jeff called me to say that he was NOT serious when he asked if I was pregnant. Just had to clarify.

So apparently it’s “the thing” to ask when letting a loved one know they look as though they are eating one too many pints of the Ben & Jerry.

I should have lied and said “Yes. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I just didn’t know how.” Jeff would have shit his pants.

UPDATE: Jeff called me to say that he would NOT have shit his pants. He would have shit bricks….OUTSIDE of his pants as they would be too heavy to stay IN his pants.

Horrible Yet Hilarious Interview with Nick Lidstrom

All this talk of sports reminded me of something hilarious. Sometime this past fall while working at WXYZ- 7 I had to interview Nick Lidstrom of the Detroit Red Wings. I do not know anything about hockey mind you, not even who Nick Lindstrom was. I had to ask him which player he was *where most people might know*. Here is part of the horrible interview below. You can tell I am not cut out for the news business *interviewing at least*. Ha ha Over the top embarassing! Truly a cringingly awesome piece to share with my future kids and now all of you.

*Did not transfer over to this blog from blogger. Sorry*